Not According to Plan

I’m sitting here in my study. I just got done with a short walk before starting the ‘inside’ portion of my day. I had some oatmeal and an orange this morning for breakfast. I’ve had several cups of good black coffee. None of this was according to plan! None of it! 

By this point in time I was supposed to be at the surgery center getting ready to have my right knee replaced. Not going to happen. 

So how long have I been planning this, you ask? For decades basically. I had my first knee surgery when I was 19 or maybe 20. When the orthopedic surgeon did that one he asked if I had ever hurt it before. I sort of shrugged—yes, like maybe numerous times. He said that there was a piece of cartiliage that was about the size of a pea that was scared over and looked like it had been in there for a long time. I had to think about it for a minute. 

I told him that I did remember falling one time on the conrete steps on the east side of the house I was raised in. My knee hit right on the edge of the step. Hurt like the dickens. But I don’t remember telling mom or dad or anyone else. I remember it hurting for a while afterwards—as in a few days. But I never really wondered why my knee would buckle suddenly sometimes. I never really thought about how it would give way on me. Or why it would sometimes freeze up and refuse to bend. I just thought it was part of life. 

So I recoved from surgery mostly on my sister’s couch—thanks, Janet and Phil (God rest their souls.) I was on meds for the pain. I couldn’t really read because my mind wouldn’t focus very well. Would fall asleep if I tried to watch anything on television. I was reduced to thumbing through National Geographic magazines and looking at the pictures in between naps and meds. 

Once recovered I went back to work and doing all the stuff that I normally did. There were still times that my knee acted up. Again I didn’t know any better. I thought maybe this was as good as it gets—the new normal as we all would say years later. 

I managed to need surgery again a few years later. This time the doc suggested that I might think about getting into something where I wouldn’t be on my feet all the time. He didn’t know that he was speaking as part of God’s call on my life. Yes, indeed, I took a different direction. Off to college, then seminary, and grad school. 

Flash forward a decade or two. I’m doing ‘full contact youth ministry’—in essence playing games that are good for kids and questionable for adults. I get pushed down in the midst of a perfectly legitimate move and land on a concrete floor. My knee is hurting badly—again. So I go to the ortho who looks at my x-rays and tells me that ‘replacements are getting better all the time.’ But hey, I’m only 40 something. Way too early to think about that. 

But I did begin to think about it. It’s coming my way. I keep hoping that they will come up with a shot that can be injected and it will fix all my years of wear and tear. It’s a long shot, for sure; and maybe we’re about to get there. But I know that one day I will have to have surgery again. 

Today was supposed to be that day. I have been psyching myself up for it for so long. I had planned all kinds of contingencies to have others step into the gap while I recover. I had adjusted my calendar and schedule to allow for at least a month of recovery time. I had it mostly all together in my mind. But it will not be today! 

Another health concern that has haunted me for decades is in the way. Diabetes runs in my family line. My diabetes is not controlled well enough at the moment for the surgeon’s standards. Sort of wished I had had a clearer pictures of that before now. I get a call the week before surgery to tell me it has been cancelled. No definite date to reschedule. All depends on getting this one number in the zone. 

So my metabolism is working against getting my mechanics fixed. Of course, if my mechanics were fixed—in essence, if my knee wasn’t a wreck—then it would be simpler to address the metabolism. If I weren’t hurting so much, then my glucose readings would be somewhat better. But my knee hurts—like it always has! 

Today was going to be the day. But now it’s not. All these years of hobbling along on one good leg was going to be fixed. But now it’s not. What had always been ‘out there someday’ should have finally arrived. But now it’s not. Plans that were years, months, and weeks in the making are dashed. 

Frustration. Disappointment. Anger. Confusion. Numbness. All kinds of feelings on this day that was supposed to be different. Others have more difficult situations, I know. Just have to put these out there because I am feeling a lot this morning. 

Not according to plan! I thought I had a good plan, a solid plan, a plan that covered the bases. There are other, bigger plans at work. So today I put aside the plans I had and begin again. Not the day I wanted, but it’s the day I’ve got. I’ll take it and do what I can.